We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.
Protect yourself from these threats using the common sense that your mother
taught you:
1) Don't talk to strangers. - (Don't open email from sources that you don't
know).
2) If something seems too good to be true, then it probably is. - (This holds
true for offers
via email as well).
3) Turn the other cheek. - (Don't respond to email warnings suggesting "problems
with your
account". Reputable companies conducting business via the internet are acutely
aware of SPAM
and do not report problems to you via email).
4) Don't take candy from strangers. - (Free downloads are easy ways to get you
to install
viruses or spyware on your computer. Think before you download, and at the very
least scan
the download with anti-virus software).
5) Use protection. - (Anti-virus software is critical now more than ever. There
are thousands
of computer viruses in the wild that can wreak havoc on your computer and
potentially send
your private information to the bad guys. Install anti-virus software, run it
regularly, and
know how to keep it up to date. The computer that you save may be your own!)
More computer security tips can be found at:
http://security.gcsu.edu/tips.php
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your
bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called
'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan, than your
amp.
You refuse to play out of tune.
Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage.
Your aftershow party is at the International House of Pancakes.
You love taking the elevator because you can sing along to most of your
playlist.
You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
You've lost the directions to the gig.
You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
The waitress is your daughter.
You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
You no longer use a tip jar.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m.
You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
Your gig stool has a back.
You're related to at least one other member of the band.
You need a nap before the gig.
You don't let anyone "sit in."
After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.
You prefer a music stand with a light.
You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
You can't operate without a set list.
You have a contract.
You say you double on bass.
You can't remember lyrics you've been singing since the song first came out
on vinyl with a big hole in the middle.
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10.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his
left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive,
it's because
Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only
seconds away from death.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his
way out of his mother's womb.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to
live.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes
that all
world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply
the closest
anyone has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill
you,
including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a
hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets
Chuck
Norris instead.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of
failure. Chuck
Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial
arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse
kicked the devil
in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the
month.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only
seconds away from death.
While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button, the elevator
better just know
what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.
The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a
picture of
himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes
ever.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
there.
If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light,
went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the
Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to
punch his way
out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or
dysentery, but
rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries
the oxen,
axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial
arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse
kicked the
devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
couldn't stay mad
and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the
month.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As
Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's
head exploded
out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck
if a woodchuck
could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK
NORRIS!" and
ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't
f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We
know this
beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did
not respond, he
simply stared at him until he exploded.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of
cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to
rid them from
his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more
than meets the
eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas
Ranger who defended
the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was
far too much
awesomeness for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard".
Jesus wore it
proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift
favoritism, used
their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from
anybody.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima
rather than
the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas
Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with
Conan's wife.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're
thinking to
yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead
wrong.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped
collar in
sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck
Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you
may be only
seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
"accidentally"
beat the sh*t out of little kids.