Student 19

14 December 2000

When asked to create an abstract portrait of myself, I admit, I was very intimidated. Was I really going to share what makes me, well… me? And how was I going to share this with a room full of people that I hardly know through the use of tangible objects? Well, looking back on all of the things that I have learned in this course, I now feel that I am ready to present…myself.

Freud discusses "self" as an ongoing battle inside. He states that there are things that are inside you that are struggling to get out, straining to be seen. The "Id" is the part of the self that motivates you; that expresses your most innermost longings and desires. The "Id" is the part of you that will do whatever it wants, whenever it wants to do it. The "Id" only wants to be satisfied. However, the "Super-ego" is referred to as the "parent inside of you." The "Super-ego" is basically your morals; your consciousness of right and wrong. This is the part of the self that keeps the "Id" from getting out of control. Freud discusses that some times when you make a slip in your speech, for example, that your "Id" and "Super-ego" are battling between your desires and what you are actually allowed to do. Doesn't everyone feel that battle sometimes? A mental battle between what you desperately want to do, and what is socially acceptable… that is an everyday thing with me. This is presented in my self-portrait. (It will be explained later)

Jung, who worked as Freud's assistant for a while, has a different theory of self. He believes that there are not two separate divisions of the self, but rather an integrated self. Jungian followers believe that all the aspects of self are together to create one collaborative whole. That belief also, is represented in my portrait. I do not claim to be Freudian or Jungian, but rather I believe, and represented a little bit of both.

My self-portrait is a three dimensional box. There are two layers inside of the box that create three different levels of my personality. I used three different layers because I believe that my personality is multi-layered and complex. Also, the fact that all of the layers come together to show my personality is a Jungian aspect of "self." I chose the square shape of the box because I like to portray that my life is stable and dependable. I like for it to appear that I have "got my act together." I covered the outside of the box with a soft, opaque material. I chose the black, opaque material because on first impression, the "real" me is hidden; you can not see inside…you can not see what I am truly constructed of. However, the texture of the outside material is soft and warm, because even if I do not know you, I am a friendly person. I chose to wrap the box with ribbon. It is wrapped around many times, and tied tightly. It is there because I do not want everyone to be able to see right through me. However, the lid of the box is removable, if I choose to let you inside.

Once I have chosen to let you get to know me a little more personally, you are allowed to move to the second box. The box is still in the shape of a square, because at this stage, it still appears that my life is stable and tranquil. The outside is still covered with friendly, soft cloth that is a bit less opaque. A little more of personality is allowed to show through the light colored cloth. However, ribbon still tightly binds the cloth to the box, for I am very selective of who sees inside. The second box is filled with feathers. They show a soft, friendly, caring and giving personality. The feathers are willing to bend, and compromise their shape to accommodate other things, as I am willing to do whatever I can to help other people. This is the layer that most of my friends and family can see.

There are very few people who are allowed to see the third box. This box is not covered, because at this level of my personality, I have nothing to hide and you are able to see the real me… both inside and outside. The stones inside the box represent the hard things and challenges in my life that are causing me to change and grow. The rocks also depict the Freudian "inner battle." The spirals represent the changes that my life is going through at this time. My life is in a constant state of change. However, only a few, limited people know that. Considering that I am a Music Education major, music plays an intricate role in my life, and my innermost "self." The romantic era in music, holds an especially dear place in my heart because of the individualism that it encompasses with its composers, and the intensity of feeling and emotion that it portrays. I believe that the romantic era plays an important part in the expression of the "self" from a musician's standpoint. However, I have not chosen to play romantic music with my self -portrait, but a genre of music that allows for just as much expression. I have chosen a Charles Mingus jazz work from the "Straight-Ahead" era of jazz. In my opinion, jazz is the ultimate music of "self," for it encompasses improvisation. What better way can a musician reveal what is inside than through composing a thrilling solo on the spot while standing in the spot light? The particular piece that I have chosen is titled "Eclipse." I chose this piece based on the chaotic feeling that it expresses at the beginning, and the lyrics to the song. The chaotic sounds represent the changes that my life is going through at the moment. I hope that one day, all of my "rocks" can be dissolved and my life can be harmonious like the song grows to be. I also believe that getting to know anyone can be like watching the end of an eclipse, as the shadow slowly moves off of the sun, and you gradually are able to see the light.

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