Student 6

One discovers how complex one really is when told to express themselves creatively. I know I had a hell of a time figuring out what I was going to do. For some people it begins with dealing with the conflicts of the Id, ego, and superego in Freudian theory and uncovering which of the two, Extraversion or Introversion, is dominant or submissive in Jungian theory. I don't believe in either one of these. If I did, I'd check myself in to a hospital. But I do believe that my ONE inner self is constantly growing and changing. During my study into myself, I've discovered that it has changed since I've move to school, and over these few months, and in these past few days. It will remain growing and changing as long as I keep opening my self up to new ideas, people and, most importantly, my heart.

One thing I've noticed is that my mood changes a lot. It can be one way, one day and the exact opposite the next day. This has made it incredibly hard to create one self-portrait. I should have a thousand different ones. There was one idea for a piece about the crossroads and the difficult decisions I am currently making (and still making and losing sleep over). And another idea after fighting with some one very close to me (it was a mentally and physically draining piece with a really lonely mood, or what I like to call "bummer art"). It took a long time to finally settle on just one idea. But there are certain things that were carried over into this new one. The sailboat was brought over from the crossroads idea and the eye, lips, and hand where brought over from the bummer piece.

In high school I was a very different person than I am today. And in my high school art class we had to do a self-portrait and my portrait and every one else's was the same. It was an idealized picture of them selves. From looking at them, one would think we were all very beautiful, perfect specimens of the human race. I based mine off of one of formal, not-one-hair-out-of-place pictures. I don't remember what I thought of it then, but everyone said, "it really looks like you, Rachel." Now I see how I really was- I didn't have a mind of my own. I didn't have opinions or ideas and I never argued or disagreed with anyone. I followed everyone else blindly. I went along with things I didn't believe in because I didn't know I didn't believe in them. Baa…Baa… I was a sheep! It wasn't until I was asked (like I had a choice) to confirm my faith, that I realized I didn't believe in it or anything else I was doing or saying. That's when I began to make decisions for my self and began to grow and really begin to live life. So my new self-portrait if painted over the new one. I left certain aspects of the first one exposed, like the lips, eye, and cross. This is very symbolic because I except who I am now and who I was then and the past will always be a part of who I am now and forever.

The color is also very important to this piece and describes what I'm feeling. The one underneath was done in gray tones with a graphite pencil and this newer one is done in color, symbolizing the color in my life, a.k.a. my look on life. The dark blue around my eye, what some call "the window to the soul," is representational of my mind. I am a deep thinking and I am constantly pondering some aspect of life. The sailboat and the blue "water" represent what I like to do for fun. The water is somewhat rough, symbolizing my thirst for excitement. But the boat is alone with no land insight representing my need for solitude. There is a sense of adventure in loneliness and an invigorating feeling that I can escape this crazy, screwed up world and really search inside myself and listen to what my soul is saying. The bottom part is my favorite. In my unearthly colored hand (due to the unearthly light) is a brush or a stick with a "sparkler" on the tip (so one of my friends has told me it looks like, but, hey, I leave my art open to interpretation). The blinding light is my inspiration- like the light of God. It is my future. I live art and I love creating it even more, hence the color red. The Yoruba people believe that red belongs in the pupa color category. While normally a dudu or neutral color by nature, I am very passionate about what I do. The curvy brush strokes also symbolize the artist and dramatic emotions I sometimes have for my art.

I want to use my hands to create. I want to make them my future; hence the tiny star at the top of my painting. The star is the one real thing I'm sure of. I don't know where I'll be 1, 5, or 10 years but I do know I want to be creating art. And that's something I was sure of even in high school and I'm even surer that's something that will never change.

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